Pull my finger

Forever and a Day, a daughters wish.

Mostly I have such agonizing ways to which I have met myself.

Yet more so, I have such cherished moments, where you let me find myself.

That is a true Father, that sums up our Bob.

I wish, in your living years, I understood that these past 3 decades, you were simply using a new phrase for an old emotion.

Frankly, I felt pulling your finger was never very loving, but your laughter and pride, to hit the mark, was. Why did I get a dad who loved me by farting? "Here Kim, pull my finger." ugh

For some ridiculous reason, my entire life, I fell for it every time, too, thinking you were bluffing. As you promised in certainty.

I suppose I am grateful you loved me that enormous amount, but ewe, gross.

And I love you too.

So my father, my hero, my giant, my teacher, my protector, my Mr fix, I now admit, that at times, I selfishly feel rage. Even at him.

Him we called Bob for our lives, and suppose always will. I pray you will hear how often your name is used, if to only know that you were our world. And we need our world to be whole again bob, please.

So where am I to start, at my step-fathers (remove step) end?

Robert Gordon Hymus, my father, has died, and why, I shall never know; we know that for 15 minutes he spiked to a heart rate of 600 beats per minute and seemingly gently lied on his back in the kitchen, just returning from the store, with his arms crossing his chest, eyes open as was the fridge, no doubt in search of his chocolate milk.

15 minutes. That's what scares me. Scared of the level of awareness he may have had, as to what was happening and was all alone.

I sit for hours these long days, staring at this blinking cursor then to your picture and none of it seems real. I hate everything right now for your loss.

I have never lost anyone close to me before. It only fills my heart with confusing pain, as it does for baby sister and mom especially.

Bob, you were always exactly sure what was to be done when you die. And it has been so. I may never know why but do know you had your reasons. I was gifted with your watch and an urn of some of your ashes.

I wear your watch on my upper left arm where all I have to do is just lean my head to the left and my ear places perfectly, I close my eyes and pretend its the beat of your heart, and for a minute or two I remember another moment in our lives.

I best think in about a week I will be going to take a walk to Humber River and I will sprinkle your magic dust on the river bed. The riverbed that we use to take walks with Grandpa, the riverbed where we had our picnics, the riverbed I learned how much you had loved and lost your mother so young. The riverbed, where you loved to feed the ducks, The riverbed where you would try and teach me the different kinds of birds. The riverbed close to where you were born, and grandpa lived and passed. The riverbed where I felt safe, thanks to you.

<flashback>

Oh no he's breaking into song now ~ "Moon River ah da da da de doo da ju" Like a child always using his right finger to dance, with no coordination or sense of timing. Clearly not knowing the words, lasting only one mumbled verse and selfishly thinking he was fantastic. Love you Bob, but you most definitely were not. ☜

Ouch, would be heard at some point, at least once a day. As usual, I ran for the band aids. Well Bob you bled every day since we met. Gross, and always would say "stitches are for wimps, watch I'll just blow on it". My poor mother knowing another towel she must bleach. Bob you laughed, even when you walked into the toilet bowl head first and split your head open "Its nothing, the booze keeps it disinfected" Out came the towels. You were as stubborn as a mule.

"Kimberly, pull my finger, no I swear its a magic trick, just pull my finger, here" OK, yep, again. There I was, screaming running for cover. Laughter and shaking his head my father felt proud to create this fun reaction. FOR HIM ~~~~THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Wait

Stop

I am not ready
Back it up nice and steady

I still have a wish or two Bob,

I still have a wish for you

It’s times like these, that show us who we are.

And it’s times like these that gifts a falling star.

I am your daughter and you made me who I am.

I wish Maybe selfishly, but could you please help me articulate what it is I really feel and not what I think I should say. Would you lend me that simple brilliance in your natural ability that screams truth?

I was a child of two worlds. I began growing up mostly insane, just familiar to my surroundings, or home life then. Looking back, we were simply just living an experience. I'll leave it there only to add my mother sister and I were eating lots of soups and Kraft Dinner once Dad left with his secretary, the kitchen sink and a new baby boy.

Smart was he. Moved to the US in the only state you could not legally pursue child support.

1975 sadly refuge one mother, with two daughters, no two pennies to rub together, bruised, tired, scared, hurt, broken, abandoned, disqualified, desperate, hungry, defensive, sore, determined, seemingly unimportant, misunderstood, confused, and humiliated, with no where to turn, and certainly, with no sense of direction.

You appeared that year. From nowhere, at least to me.

I remember waking up soaking wet from another horrible nightmare. I was almost 9. I ran in panic to the living room to hug my mom, I was so frightened. Stopped dead in my tracks when the Living room was residing a man sitting on a chair beside my mothers. Well, I'll take care of this situation.

I walked right up to him and demanded he identify himself. I'm Bob, and you must Kimberly. Kimberly who is almost 9. Well he didn't say I was 8 and 1/2 rather almost 9 and won my love right then and there. Drove it home when he suggested I get a clean pair of pajamas on and he would come tell me a story so I can forget of my nightmare.

The two moments that transpired next kept with all 4 of us til this day from way back then. The first is funny. I was just so amused with his white shirt and these brown things printed all over it. I asked him what are those brown things, all over your shirt? I guess the first thing to come to his mind was; well Kimberly, those are hamburger buns. I couldn't stop laughing, and so The Hamburger Shirt became legendary. I'd pay anything to have that shirt today,

The next seemingly odd act he did, he continued to do anytime we slept in our home, and it was like magic. Simply he would say close your eyes, he would gently run his fingers over my eyes twice, religiously and say 'sandman sandman' go to sleep. Know what ? It worked. Know why? We were finally safe, even to sleep.

I have never believed in coincidences since. Oh and must add before all the magical sleep time moments he did ask me to pull his finger, and I screamed, he laughed so hard, I screamed more.

In essence, somehow, he, rather quickly created mom [Doll-Face or Dot], my sister [shortstop] and I [magil-licutty]. 'What’s your face' more often than not was our appointed default name, and 'Nuckle-head,' was just fine by me too. 'Rug Rat' was just not cool, especially at 15 when friends would visit.

We were three, and now we had became four, like it had been planned to such perfection. Mom was smiling now, after so long and Shortstop and I continued our mayhem of battles. Why now three again I plead? You always, always promised all of us, forever and a day.

I suppose if you asked me what element creates a priceless soul, I would tell you anything that hones honesty. Your soul pampers this quality, so why?

I have had 2 devastating, life changing losses in my time; one you stood by my side and shared in loss, and unfair justice, the second loss is now; losing you, in mind and body. I have not a single doubt your spirit is with me, rather in me. A spirit of your quality and quantity of energy can only die if I kill it. I know I am so very blessed.
~~~
You promised, but did not deliver to love us forever and a day. Now only leaving us to three again. That hurt the most bob. Why?

Then for the first time in 36 years I got it, and actually it was yesterday.

Not the forever, but “the day”. Like here, now, this day lasts forever, yes, this day. Then tomorrow can be a day that lasts forever also.

I am quickly learning to really understand you, things, I did not take the time, all these years to really notice. You somehow, regardless always kept things simple, and may I add ridiculous.

You lived 2 and 1/2 hours from me, we didn't talk much on the phone, never mailed anything that needed your much disliked stamps and you hated computers and felt it was a cold and ridiculous means to talk to someone. Today I do agree.

I have not one memory where you hurt me, lied to me, didn't protect me, weren't smiling, teaching me, teasing me or loving me. Every single one of those days are forever, because I remember bob, I really remember. Forever.

Then when I was 9 you asked me to pull your finger. I was confused, looked at you, you nodded, straight faced and said no really, pull my finger. Damn. I did, and ran like a cheetah, still am.

How you can fart on demand? It is actually Wikipedia-worthy, even or prize-worthy of some kind.

I am still needing a wish or two, but must be from you. Yes, and one, only one, okay for you a few.

I wish to never forget, never lose the character in you that rubbed off on me. Never lose my memories when I close my eyes. Never be comfortable you are gone. Never stop trying to believe you somehow can feel or see us three and the love for you we have. Just never.

Well I certainly will admit to being gullible all these years - but I will never forget the scams you pulled and hope I always find them as funny as I do now, all these years later

Radishes do not make hair grow on your chest - I am proof of this now!

Cars do not come with custom radio stations eliminating the ones that were disco at the time. I cannot believe how long I bought off on that. Feeling so upset we couldn't ever hear CFTR. Not sure when I learned of your scam, but have to laugh, even now.

Cars do not come with an option where back windows do not move. Of course I did not know that you could lock the windows by your side, leaving short stop and me believing we got a raw deal on this new Pontiac. Conclusion, we couldn't obsessively play with the automatic windows, first time to see that in our life, so cool, so front seats only ~ ugh

Greatest true gift, and here I go with the tears again; For every boy that broke my heart, that I was sure to spend eternity with, you would hug me, call him a jerk and every time, our tradition was to take me out for french fries and ketchup. There were seemingly a great deal of fries. Those recovery fries worked every time, you let me cry, listened to my nonsense and sure enough I was over it by the time we were in the car on our way home.

Thank you for being the first to hold my daughter at birth and she somehow will always cherish you, I was so sad I could not tell her you died, but maybe she just wasn't suppose to know yet. It was you that stood with me for court dates holding my hand as such injustice transpired. You never said a thing, which said everything. Thank you for holding my hand.

I can't help but keep getting flashbacks of seeing how painful it was for you if one of us girls were driving. I remember you slouched down in the seat continually using the brake you forgot was not there.

Also I will give my sister or mother a million dollars to tell me a time Bob did not reload the dishwasher, after very strict rules the cook doesn't do dishes, so my sister and I would load the dishwasher only to watch him show us the proper way to execute this seemingly important critical task.

So you used to say, yet spoiled all of us in the reverse way. Clearly referring to us girls being the beauties.

You detoxed me off my last and worst Heroin run. Firmly and quietly with loving detachment. Bob, for the first time I looked outside my selfish self and saw the fear in your face, which triggered all the visions of worry I put you through over our years. I give myself permission to know that in my disease I was just ridding pain anyway I could. All the while creating more of it like a spin cycle.

I give myself permission because of you. I have watched you give yourself permission as many a time I tried my best to remedy a bloody situation of your own, so mom wouldn't know.

Bob, are you allowed to break someones anonymity once they die? Oops, well I don't care because I am so proud of you. My biggest regret is not letting you know how much. To get sober the age you did, stay sober and die sober is a miracle and it was my dad. You have inspired many, no doubt. We can start with me. I try to keep it simple, and of course things just get more complicated, I really try and stay in today, taking it one day at a time.

Those two tools worked for you so well. So well because you didn't just believe in them, but lived them. Well you've now gone and botched my whole attempt up now, haven't you? Well, yes you have. Best get right back here and remedy me. I need it.

That was not my point, and I am singing for you. :) I’m amazing, as you know.

Yesterday was the first day I could open my balcony door directly behind my desk. I felt and saw sun, like a beam of light announcing spring has sprung. It broke my heart. You would have loved it, to your words, birds were chirping, sun was shining and people were smiling. Can't say I could.

In death some believe our soul goes to a heaven or hell, some believe we are reincarnated, some believe death is final and some believe in ghosts, living eternally as angels, undetected by mortals.

I am not sure what I believe but I know your presence is here. With some unknown source letting me know you will be immortal to me. Whatever dimension you are presently farting in, thank you.

Godspeed Bob, Godspeed.

Soar, just soar now, I got the other two’s back, just as I promised you.

I’ve been living a long time, been given a long time too, glad it was mostly spent with you. It's taken me 2 weeks of rewrites, revisions, etc etc to painfully realize there is nothing I could write that could do your character justice. There is not enough I could write to cherish so any moment. There is not enough space for me to write why it is exactly that I love you so much.

There is no way to end this little hub without sheer pain, many tears and lots of snot. See because I really need you to know I am not saying goodbye Bob, I won't. This is not the finish of anything, if only you could, would and should send us a sign your at peace, and getting the so very deserving rest you needed.

Forever and a day.

Now pull my finger.

Actually if you do I can't be normal again so let's agree to disagree you kinda won, in this dimension. It ain't over til it's over Dad.

Forever and a day.

my truth.

Dad, some help please, the boy broke my finger and gas is expensive, any magic tricks left you can share?

Oh ya, forever, forever over and over in a day.

I apologize now for not being able to continue your form of showing love. I am a lady and all, OK that was funny.

God I miss you, but we still stand four, side by each. My memory of you will continue to inspire me to continue living my lessons, love everything I can, dance, remember to laugh, respect people, not date jerks, be a lady, take care of mom and short stop, wear your watch and cherish every tear i now release as each one is for another moment you gave me of feeling validated and important. At the risk of sounding simple, for being so nice to us.

I am so grateful I spoke to you that week but did not know how sick you were. I could not believe when mom told me it had been 14 years the day of your quadruple bi pass, close call. I don't care what the medical profession says went wrong, I know this happened because your heart was just to big for that "scroungy" body.

Bob, while I am grateful I am full of regret. Like I found the courage to tell you something now that it's too late. I have so much to say.

I never told you or anyone this, besides the beautiful person you were, the truth is I loved you so much because when you entered our lives you protected me and stopped all the awful things my birth father was doing. You made the boogie man go away. What more can a frightened child ask for who hid in closets and behind the basement bar, praying it won't hurt long. Bob, I may have hidden since then, whether drugs or moving around, but it was never because of you. It was because of you I felt free to come home when I was so very lost, to receive no words, just a hug.

I believe your finger was actually full of spells that created, at a slow pace, trust, safety, boundaries, continuity and laughter with enormous love. Right back at ya Dad. Right back at ya.

Godspeed Bob, Godspeed

I get it now, as Jonathan Living Seagull teaches us this month, after a lifetime of you trying to get me to read it, and I quote:

“This is a story for people who follow their hearts and make their own rules...people who get special pleasure out of doing something well, even if only for themselves...people who know there’s more to this living than meets the eye: they’ll be right there with Jonathan, flying higher and faster than they dreamed.”

Thank you for wanting that for me.

One last note; I would give everything I own [yep Vuittons too] to see who will be dumb enough to pull your finger now Ace; well nobody's pulling mine for sure, OK if you did, that's cool with me, so would you pull ..............