He was my first love, I was his last
80
Anyone who's ever had a Heart .......
Think back. Come with me
Remember?
Remember?
Remember your first love?
Most of us were in high school at the time. Struggling and confused in our early to mid teens. Remember, it consumed our entire world, everything we did, and suddenly, for our first time, life made sense. Being completely overcome with wonderful feelings of love, somehow, let us focus, feel wanted, and for once, felt wonderful, because we had a purpose.
We were convinced to be together, and forever. No other option, not once, entertained our minds. We spent all of our possible time together. Cut class, lied to your parents, became interested in exploring and learning everything about one another.
With such eternal love and dreams, also brought, this fear and constant worry. I feared, my love, my soul mate, without warning, could leave my heart, by falling for an other. This was unacceptable. Viscous, our girlfriends did speak, to take no prisoners. Between the feelings of jealousy and insecurities we transformed into much more than, I think our other half, ever felt they signed up for.
None of us girls had a clue what the boys felt. So we felt compelled to decide their thoughts for them. We clearly, believed we had.
Girls bathrooms and locker rooms held critical discussions about these boys. Information that was shared, very private details. Should it leak out, harsh consequences would be punishment, in the form of rumors and gossip.
Why we did this, or threatened to, I'll never know. I just feel we all thought we were grown up, and at 14, nothing made sense. Except for, love. Looking back, I think we believed no one would break our code of silence. How naive I was, given these very same girls, were messing about with each others boys. Unknowingly to the female, who was busy with her own new love.
But my poor guy, oh my gosh. So many questions, rather interrogations. This was me, ensuring he wouldn't know my panic driven, ruthless, determined, comic book persona that was born, the first time I laid eyes on him. Can we say Psycho?! OK, teenager!
I truly believed, I was being the best girlfriend he could ask for. Now, in retrospect, I wonder how trapped or obligated he felt with our own, new love? Was it ever as big a deal to him, as to me? He seemed to really enjoy my company, regardless of the gossip girls. He was full of some truth serum, I never or am positive he had not been with another, during our time.
Here I was 14 years old, and had already quit school all together. This meaning the last grade I ever completed was grade 8. I still cannot believe my parents or the Board of Education accepted, even encouraged this situation. Regardless, I was always at my old school grounds, acting as if I was still there. I just had no other options, how to spend my time. Then the answer came to me. It was him. His name, was Darren.
Love then, is the love I understand today.
The greatest love of my life. Despite how naive I was,reflecting back, it just doesn't matter. It was my fairy tale, and he was my prince. He being my incredible, Darren.
Quick Question
Are you still in contact with your first love?
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Then came the Decision!
I knew Darren had already been with a few girls. He was, after all, 16, and 2 years in your teens, is a lifetime of difference. I, still a virgin, [ignoring a previous assault a year prior], had no comprehension of what sex was, let alone something one would enjoy doing. Yet, I also, never before had feelings anything like I was continuing to develop, towards Darren. I also, over the past 6 months, felt I could trust him with anything.
We shared all the same family issues, alcoholic parents, neither of us knew where our fathers were, once they had taken off earlier, younger siblings, mothers just barely hanging on from a rough time with abuse. I found in Darren, validation. He was laid back, funny, supportive, always joking and encouraging me to write. He was beautiful, cared for other people and somehow, stayed in school.
These wonderful traits he had, caused me, to be even more insecure.
I will never know what it was, to this day, nor why, he fell in love with someone like me. Thinking back, I was so awkward and far from what I believed, a girl should be, for someone like Darren.
Suppose I still carry this trait, and ignore it. Fake that I do not feel this way, and exit if one does catch on.
Darren never rushed me, was gentle and kind, above all else, patient.
There began my entry into a love no one the rest of my life could replace. My first.
And how funny it was that our excursions, became sacred, under the football field bleachers, growing ever so frequent.
Did you have sex for the first time with your first love?
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Expiry date
First loves must come to an end at some point. Or, so I know now. Then I most certainly did not. More so, the way Darren and I ended. It was a Saturday, and my life was about to change forever.
We were heading for the bleachers, perfectly isolated on the weekends. Darren brought a blanket, and I laughed because it was bright red. We both saw the irony in that just maybe, this could draw attention. Well, we didn't ditch it so, red would be this Saturdays bed. I didn't know the degree of the irony in that.
The street at the back of the school was almost always dead, and I, like always, ran accross, fearless. Not a thought a car could hurt me. I looked back and Darren was not crossing, he said ' you're nuts, hold on, I'll cross at the corner, just don't leave.' I could not believe on a dead street he was going to cross at the corner. This was ridiculous.
'Just hurry up and cross here, hurry up, hurry up, Darren there are no cars.' He laughed, and started to cross when a brown station wagon, didn't just hit him, but the front left tire ran over his head. There was a woman driving, she jumped out of her car and dragged Darren from beneath the wagon.
It is this visual I cannot to this day shake from my head. Once she grabbed hold of him, she dragged him from under his arms, his head had fallen to his chest and his blood was absolutely everywhere. I was still just standing there with my mouth open. Confused.
The woman dragged Darren to the sidewalk and put him on a square in the sidewalk , his feet dangling still on the road. She advised me not to leave him, he was badly hurt and she would run for help and be back. Her last words were repeating, 'I'll be right back'
I want to hold you high, and steel your pain
Angel of Mine
The Silence of Panic
I waited for an ambulance, a policeman, a fire truck, the woman in the station wagon. Even a car to drive by. I don't know how long that was.
It was long enough for me to look and Darren, and the horror he now wore. So helpless, I dragged him onto my lap, held him the best I could.
Distinctively remember chanting, inside my head, You'll be alright, You'll be alright, You'll be alright, You'll be alright, You'll be alright, You'll be alright, You'll be alright, You'll be alright, You'll be alright.
Nobody came, and that driver was gone. What probably was ten minutes, since the hit and run, might as well have been 10 hours to me. So torn between leaving Darren to find someone or staying by his side and help, both were my solutions.
I began CPR only having seen from the movies, clearly a bad choice, I saw instantly, Any pressure to his body forced large amounts to exit it.
Drenched in blood everywhere, I got up ready to run for help when a car slowed down and stopped. Panicked, he thought I was badly injured, from so much blood. He promised to come right back after he found a phone and call for help.
Would he? What if not? I decided to give him 5 minutes, then listen to no one, and run like fire, to find someone.
With such shock and panic, I only felt fear, Fear that Darren would die with so much time passing, and bleeding so badly.
I first heard the sirens, then the man, I came know as Rod, pulled up and ran to Darren.
There was no pulse, as the Fire Trucks, three, pulled up and so quickly began assessing Darren's injuries, I did not know he was dead.
In fact, no one told me until his mother arrived at the hospital, as well, She never thought much of me. Instant facial expressions, showed intense anger as she studied me.
Her only sons blood was all she could see, great amounts, covering my clothes and all over me. It was if she convicted me, right there, responsible for his death. Or possibly I was reading her pain, and transferring it to my own guilt.
I tried seeing her by visiting the apartment a few times, always the same reaction. Slamming the door very violently. Screaming 'Do not come here ever again', and so I did not. She passed about 4 years after Darren. She stopped living once Darren died. I want to believe they are reunited and both free from pain, and finally, neither alone.
It was a doctor who pulled me aside, alone, and explain Darren had passed on impact, mostly from the wheel that ran over, and destroyed his head, crushing his brain. Apparently he had felt no pain and there was nothing anyone could have done to save him.
As 2 police entered and ended my talk with the doctor, I got so scared. Still believed telling them it was my fault, was the least I could do, and I did. Trying to convince me, this could have occurred a number of ways, I was not at blame. They wanted as much detail, while still fresh in my mind, regarding the woman and car that killed Darren.
It was officially, a hit and run, and since the victim (Darren) died. The driver also moved him, most surely knowing he was dead. An aggressive search and investigation, had already begun. They closed by advising me to seek PTS aid for support to learn coping tools, for a very difficult loss. This, they added, would get easier over time, but I could be effected, most likely, for a lifetime.
My mental stress since he was hit, was not just loss. I had killed him. This was my fault.
This song, has become an anthem to me, so close to my heart. Lyrics were expressing the very part of me.
I Didn't have a clue what to do without him
Lost, Alone, Guilty, Horrified, Angry, and Heartbroken. These feelings were growing, not fading. Soon enough, from everyone, to everything, I began hating.
We had both lost all our love, our worlds stopped. I had no idea who to talk to, and was pretty sure I didn't want to all the same.
It was if none of this was true, looking back now. Remembering the amount of responsibility and guilt I was feeling and was increasing quickly.
Had I shut my mouth, and just listened to him rather than be a brat insisting him to cross the street, he would be alive and not crushed to death? I kept yelling, hurry up, hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up — chanting in my head as I stare at his stone representing an identity to this burial or grave.
I just felt sick. I remember my anger kept growing. Now I was pissed, realizing, that this is how we respect our dead? Why beneath the earth? What's up? I lost it, trying to dig him out and take him to water or even beneath a tree. Clearly not in a healthy state of mind.
My actions proved how confused I was, that all my free time was spent on his grave, and not a sole I could think of to turn to. That's when, what would become a good friend, the cemetery groundskeeper stopped me from digging. W spent hours talking, and he knew so much. That day forward, everyday I spent there, he found time to sit with me awhile.
Given I went to his grave everyday and had all the time to do so, I moved in. Cigarette butts around, pop cans, and the worst, came the drugs.
Whatever means high or not, I wrote. I wrote lyrics about anger and rage, guilt and shame, visions stuck in my head and nightmares.
I always felt Darren was listening and I found some comport in writing. I had found my home, and not yet 15.
I got to know the groundskeeper quite well, he always seemed to get my back. He would gently wake me as night would approach. Their gates closed by 10. Not that I didn't get over those a few nights needing to sleep on Darren's body.
I truly was lost, so alone, part by choice, and no clue what to do with my time now, never mind, how to leave him alone in that place, where he lie to rot.
Goodbye my Lover, Goodbye my Friend
What if there was no time left, Like you'll never see me again Alicia Keys
Still I keep searching for a means to find some closure
Love and Loss. Our first loves, for the most part, will leave, as I said earlier. Though a shock at the time, many, well I, believed deep in my heart, forever, was just a given.
As I aged, never letting go, I held onto guilt, anger and growing resentment. Why did my first love, my Fairy Tale, have to end so tragically? I would feel nauseous even to think what about him?
Forget love, he was taken from everything he knew, had wanted, and could be experiencing. Darren was taken from life.
My belief today, comes from an understanding, there is no timelimit as to when someone is able to let go. Without letting go of, the person. If that makes any sense at all. It has been 30 years right now end of August, and I can barely get through typing a sentence per day only to find myself deleting it.
I was shocked when I saw the first comment from me dated 4 months ago. I also was given some good but hard to hear advise. 'Kimberly, it will never be good enough, and you can never honour him to the expectation you have set forth. If you in fact do want closure, publish this hub and edit after if need be.' That was 2 hours ago, 4 am. I will do this. I can.
My time is due. Due today. Today because I am admitting, right or wrong, I feel responsible for the death of my first and forever greatest love. I need to be able to say, I feel it was I, that, ultimately killed him. So how am I going to forgive myself? Forgive, only now, I can. Because yes, it was an accident and yes, a fluke as they say, but most of all, because, of course his death, would be the last thing I would want for him, ever.
I am positive in the last three years, he has tried whispering to me, in the breeze. I would be so happy, if he is able to break through, so I can understand what he is trying to say.
No more goodbyes Darren.
Now thirty years, to the month. As I cherish, always, the details, hopes, memories, gifts and experiences, you gave me, I now stop mourning, but will celebrate.
You were my first, will forever be my first, and wouldn't change a single thing, with the exception of your tragedy, of course.
So Darren, as I sit, this upcoming weekend, on your sidewalk square [southeast, south side of road, 12 squares from Northbound Road], I will chalk in Pink, RIP, sit awhile and begin to heal. To celebrate, you, us. Not to leave.
Babe, I wouldn't want to be me, had I not had YOU!
Godspeed Darren, Godspeed.
RIP
Was the split from your first love an agreeable one or was it fighting and angry
See results without votingWhen I, as I often do, look to the sky
Originally written as Lyrics, I adapted these moments to write out my full experience for the first time.
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On HubPages Topic Pages
- Sudden Loss - Death and Loss of Life - HubPages.com
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PEOPLE AMAZE ME, IN THEIR ABILITY TO SHARE THEMSELVES AND SUPPORT ANOTHER
lxxy I have really enjoyed getting to know, and am greatful I will contnue to be ablle to. He represents in absolute truth, the passion for kindness. The fight to reach people and inspire them to see the good in not just life, but within yourself, radiatting to eachother.
lxxy, this song is unbelievable and I will cherish it [she recites and sings, cut right into me, because I am made of scars!] This comment deserves nothing less than finishing my hub, as it does complete it. Peace, love and many thanks lxxy.
lxxy's comment;
Kimmers....wow
Thanks for feeling comfortable with us to share this piece of your life.
I can't understand nearly half as much sorrow losing a lover like this---especially under such circumstances--could cause you.
I can say, however, in sixth grade or so I went out with a girl for a month or two (it's like crushville back then, eh?)--anyway we ended and parted but the next year I began speaking with her here/and there.
Until one day I came to school only to learn she had died trying to play a practical joke on her family. She had a hope chest in her room, so decided to remove everything and climb inside and pop out when they got home.
Well, it locked..and they were gone longer than the air lasted, especially in panic...
These scars of ours leave blights on our souls--but they give us the lessens we sometimes need.
Life is so very, very, very fragile...as fragile as it is beautiful.
You have me in tears.
Love you kimmers...
(for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBYkj7LQMzw)
MJ You are not alone
I admit
This hub was more healing for me than I ever thought it could be.
Like above, yet another Hubber, an absolute brilliant flesh and mind of creative talent, inspires me on a daily basis, i can't imagine how many more.
I want to recognize and celebrate Deserae, while she sadly left quickly by, her own decision, i pray she found peace and am so glad you were loved from such a wonderful man.
It would be so cool Deserae, if you hooked up with Darren, each falling in love and spending days in bliss. Actually, I will choose to believe this is true. Cheaters!
Stay cool, keep throwing us a sign here and there.
Deserae, this hub is clearly for you also. Bless and may you have both found real deserving happiness.
bye you two, for today.
Time certainly is a rare Luxury. ✈
One that cannot be purchased.﹩
Thank you for spending your valuable Time coming Here. ☯
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Do you have fond memories of your first LOVE?Loading...
Hello, kimberley, nice to hear from you again. Thank you for your well written hub but sorry for your sad story. All the best.
I was 17 she was 19 and broke up with me because she said I was too nice. I was still a virgin at the time and my best friend said she wanted to have sex and I was to dumb to know that at the time. She was the one that got away.
Wow. What can I say, it's such a tragic story. Thank you for sharing it, I can't imagine how hard it was to write this. Even though it's sad, it's incredibly touching, and even more emotional because of the videos you've included. It literally brought tears to my eyes.
If the bleachers are still there perhaps a place to go and celebrate an intimately joyus memory....
@ Hello, thanks so much, you have been such a loyal reader from the lyricsingray days, I really appreciate it. Yes horrific and sad, but now I really can remember the good, I'm finding more so now than ever.
What a gift I was given.
cheers
thanks again Hello
@ZZron, why does it happen like that? Like how true that youth is wasted on the young, yes?
All of us, during those years anyways, were bumping into walls as we were discovering what we felt to be undeniably, the greatest person of our lives. Naive maybe, but it did feel good, while it was still good.
And by the way, that sweet girl that was thinking different things than you, who got away, you say. I don't believe so. I think she lost big, though she too was finding her way with us, at the most confusing time.
ZZ you know what we should do, co author a book together titled 'Teens Guide for Dummies' You game?
Thanks bundles buddy, especially for sharing xo
@ BurningMan, you mean the world to me, I hope you know that and thank you so much for coming and reading
um, don't panic, I am on the phone to 911 as we speak, um, cause your heads on fire!
Don't roll, won't have any effect, do somersaults, NOW !!!!!!!
Thanks BM, truly
@Mentalist acer
I had never in all these years thought to do that, I have a huge lump in my throat, and it completes the move from mourning to celebration, meaning the sidewalk that ended everything to the bleachers were everything could only be in celebration.
And fond memories, Mentalist acer, my gosh thank you so so much. Just from you four has already helped me, my fear was enormous to talk about this
right on thanksssssssssssssssssss xo
Wow Kimberly, I can't begin to imagine how I would feel if this had happened to me. I'm pretty good at keeping myself together when things spin out of control..still... Very moving indeed..and very therapeutic for you especially. Excellent hub.
btw, come by and visit my beautiful garden hub when you get a chance.
kiss
Certainly a heavy burden to carry, I have carried that weight but it is wonderful to find peace with it and turn it over to God, and learn to reflect on the good that was there all along.
God Bless, 50
Kim, it is nice to find your writing here again. I have missed its power and eloquence. I remember my first love so well. The artist in me wanted to show her the depths of my feelings, and I made glorious, angst-filled drawings that declared my love. She didn't really understand what I was doing. She was interested in my work, but I was bring her my heart. I would work on something and hurry to her with whatever I had, finished or not--and I waited for the days in between. I painted what I considered the best work of my life at that point and offered it to her on Valentine's Day, which happened to be the day she told me she didn't want to see me any more.
No memory of first love matches the heart-wrenching tale you have told, however. I have certainly watched women leave my life, but I never watched someone die. There are many moments I carry with me forever, but to lose a first love to death must be an incredible burden. We do have our moments, and we have all benefited from your willingness to share your pain. Thank you.
Mike
Kimmers....wow
Thanks for feeling comfortable with us to share this piece of your life.
I can't understand nearly half as much sorrow losing a lover like this---especially under such circumstances--could cause you.
I can say, however, in sixth grade or so I went out with a girl for a month or two (it's like crushville back then, eh?)--anyway we ended and parted but the next year I began speaking with her here/and there.
Until one day I came to school only to learn she had died trying to play a practical joke on her family. She had a hope chest in her room, so decided to remove everything and climb inside and pop out when they got home.
Well, it locked..and they were gone longer than the air lasted, especially in panic...
These scars of ours leave blights on our souls--but they give us the lessens we sometimes need.
Life is so very, very, very fragile...as fragile as it is beautiful.
You have me in tears.
Love you kimmers...
kimberlyslyrics, you’ve touched my heart with this story. In many ways I identify with you. At 14 we are so vulnerable, like fruit almost ready to eat but still totally at the mercy of nature and humans. Hail, cold, wind blowing us to the ground, hard touches, and so forth can cause bruises we have to bear for the rest of our lives. And who wants to eat fruit not graded as Class A? Sometimes only the pigs. Fortunately we can start living all over again. And we can, at the age of 45, become 14 again, but – wonderful – with wisdom we did not have when we were 14 for the first time. May you now finally, for once and for all, believe that you were not responsible for Darren’s death, and may you meet his incarnation very soon. I’m sending you bags filled with hugs. PS: Your music reminded me of a wonderful time I had for a few years in my life.
Words fail me, I am sorry for your loss and your burden. I'm glad you have finally found some semblance of peace. I'm sure he's been trying to get the message to you right along, it just took thirty years for you to be able to hear him.
Love you, miss you, good to see you're writing again,
Faye
I will be reading your words many more times before I am ready to let them go. Not only do you describe the joy, the ache, the delerium, and the doubt of a first and true teen love--beautiful and powerful words--but also the piercing tragedy of guilt engraved in heart and mind because of the circumstances of his death.
You are not by any means alone. As Ixxy wrote: These scars of ours leave blights on our souls--but they give us the lessens we sometimes need.
This lesson is not that you were responsible for this tragedy, but that things happen very much outside of our control, and what is meant to be will be.
Peace.
@ tim tim, I will for sure visit your garden, it will be just the perfect atmosphere to just chill, and I hate and feel horrible I haven't been around for a while - OK, too long, cause your too good a friend and I miss you
Now, you have a duty to uphold. In this hub I spoke of someone who gave me advice to face my fear, just publish, stop rewriting, edit after if need be, but do it! That came from you. Talk about an enormous relief to face the truth having never spoken of Darren's death to anyone, I now exhaled. And smiled.
However, yes I am grateful, but it is your duty now to post in link above, for the petition, acknowledging I published and declaring what my prize will be. I am waiting.
Thank you, and may the force be with you, of course xoxoxox
@ 50
Your words,
learn to reflect on the good that was there all along. How true, and seemingly simple. My gift is exactly, as you say, was there all along. Both then and especially now.
Your a good soul 50, thank you for commenting and your support
ps, are you 50? Or do you really like guns, I am surgical with a pump action dual shot gun, and I won't even begin to talk about pistols ha lol oh uh um but duh eeh boom!
Bless xo
@ Mike
First, I need to give you a hug and kiss and tell you I always look forward to your comments, and you always come. Please know your support, and I see on other hubs too, is just one of your actions that reveals the kindness in you. Mike, your very rare. Just deal with it, your special and that's that OK? heee
OK this girl decides that the best time to break your heart was on Valentines Day?? That must of been so awful, at that age with all the excitement of giving someone your heart and she doesn't accept it? Oh those years were so confusing, weren't they?
She's a poophead. I want to know, did you keep the artwork, meaning do you still have it? I do hope so.
Miss poophead, by the way missed out big time!!!!!!!! So she can reflect and I have no doubt, with regret.
OK sorry about the poophead thing, but she was, that's that.
My friend, it does feel good to start writing again and just jumping back in head first [did I say that wrong, cause it has never made sense to me, oh well]
Thank you ML [yes your initials but for me it stands for my love ok?] xo
still she was a poophead, hope she reads this, and Happy Belated Valentines Day
@lxxy, speechless and am also so sad this happened to you too. Doesn't it feel like it was dream, but when you wake up, as much as you shake your head nothing will shake those feelings away. I reckon it just will stay with us and needs to be.
Your comment really touched me. Hope it's cool I finished the hub by putting it there, at the end, completing this hub perfectly
Thank you my friend, keep doing what your doing
Kymmers xo
I like the book idea, you like my new avatar ? Not so scary is it ? LOL.
I won't leave a comment...I can't leave a comment...when your words and feelings say it all! Good or bad, our memories make us who we are. Looking forward to more kimberly! Ciao...
Wow KL, Deja Voudoo...I have to take some time on this one, no quick slips of remark and tongue for this is everything you said to me it would be and more so. I also lost my first love, to suicide ...Her name was Deserae. Perhaps I will discuss more soon, I have to take a quiet step back and contemplate. Very heavy, very mind exapanding, very very very...XOXOXO
KOH
Blake4d
Thank you for sharing this Kimberly... life passes quickly as we have all seen and yet we are never alone. God is always near and He places those close to us whom love from the heart.
Hugs and Blessings
Kim first let we say how sorry I am to read of your loss, I can't imagine the pain you felt then and for a long time afterwards. I to between the age of 14 and 16 went through a very dark period in my life.
You have read some of my hubs about my abusive life as a boy, however as like you I lost a love at 15 although not to death. She was everything my young heart ever wanted at the time, her beauty astounded me and I wanted to be with her every waking moment.
My young heart was shattered when another boy came on the scene and stole her from me, I can't tell you the loss I felt at the time. This other boy was later arrested for murder, he walked in on his older sister who was sleeping with a man of a different colored race and he went crazy. He took a hammer to his sister and killed her in the very bed she was making love in.
This is the boy who stole my first love from me, Maria came back to me a couple of weeks after this news and it was never the same, my heart was broken and we parted our ways.
Kim what I am trying to say here is that circumstances happen in our lives at every age and we have no control over them. The fact that you two young lovers wanted to be together at a park, on a red blanket and share your heart felt feelings together was meant to be.
You can't blame yourself for this tragedy it was his destiny to be with you no matter what the outcome would be. So please forgive yourself and LIVE with a memory of peace and knowing that he is in a better place and he is not blaming you. There is no blame here, just two young lovers meeting in time.
Nothing more nothing less, I have lived through a lot of pain and loss in my life and if I blamed myself for them, I know I would not be here today. Please move forward and think of all the good you are doing now for others, just sharing this story will help so many.
I read the comments and see that. Peace and hugs to you Kim and thanks for opening your heart and releasing the past. But don't live in it any longer, let it go, let it fly away, let him truly RIP...he wants you to.
@MartieCoetser
Thank you for your comment, it really touched me, and as I read yours and others I really see how all of us had different struggles at this difficult age.
But I also now know I am not alone, and your comment is what really helped me feel this, thank you so much for giving me this by sharing yourself
I'll come by soon
cheers!
@ Faybe
Girl, I feel so lucky that you came by, because you always know what is going on in my head. I am so lucky to have you as a friend and thank you for saying what you did about Darren.
I really hope it's true
kiss
I have to say a hub beyond well written, well thought out creativity, truly a story of love lost and disarray, well done kimberlyslyrics...
nice work done kimb....like they way u wrote...
good !
Excellent, just what I expect from a talented writer.
What you lost is not a loss, what you remember, the good times, the good feelings, the memories, the experiences together the sharing, the togetherness, the gratitude for being part of his life, they are all good things, and very precious. Don't close yourself to those, they are very wonderful things. They are part of you. Out of this and more, you will discover that part of your wonderful Darren will always be with you. And this hub shows how much you adored him. He would be so proud of this amazing hub. Any person would.
My heart goes out to you - don't punish or torture yourself for anything. See the positive side of what it is to share in and be a part of someone's life. You have done something wonderful here in sharing this with us. Thank you. Peace.
CG.
Reading your hub was intense, thank you sharing. I hope you are blessed with love and compassion.
OMG, I'm speechless the pain so intense so everlasting oh the wonderment of what happens, really happens to those we love and lose.
Awesome hub Kimberley, I hope yer ok now x
Once again, or should I say yet again, you have grabbed my heart with this touching experience.
I do hope you can continue writing through the pain of reality. For you have experienced real things that make your writing live for me.
You are very talented Kimberley, I shed many tears while reading this. I wish you the joy to be who you are.
I came back to read your hub again and wanted to thank you for your kind words in response to my first comment. Unfortunately I destroyed the painting I meant to give her--I was just so sad, and the painting that was meant for her came to symbolize my pain. It is a shame, too--I would like to have it now.
Kim, your kindness toward me touches my heart. I am appreciative.
Mike
Kim, I am so sorry for your loss and can't even imagine what you have gone through. Your story has touched my heart and I teared up reading it. Stay strong dear and you will meet again.
This hub is written excellent and well laid out as well.
Mark
i meet my wife when i was in the high school,we have baby 11 years later.
she was my first and she will be my last.i am working for my wife and my baby.
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a nice story and a nice life.
love 4ever
love was ,love is,love will
never forgot,never lost,never 4ever
Wow, this story is so touching. I really do feel ever so sorry for your terrible loss. And I can imagine how it is still with you 30 years on, it is hard to forget things like this. I don't know what I would do if this had happened to me. You are very strong.
xxxx
Your hub has touched my heart. I think almost everyone of us have a story of their love to tell but, very few of us will have the courage to wear their heart on their sleeves.
Thanks for revealing those feelings which are common to every loving heart!
Wow. Where do I begin? What a story and to go through this at 14, YOU are lucky to be alive, really. I can't see any fault you would have for this, as fault implies intention, and we know your intention was not for this to happen.
I certainly know the grief doesn't end as quick as we would hope or expect. You still going through this so many years later is probably normal.
At 25 I found my soul mate, oh man I was sure of it. We spent every day together, then one day he went somewhere and asked me to go with him, I declined. He went swimming with his cousins by a waterfall that day and drowned. 9 years later, I'm married and have a little girl, and I still miss him. I was't even there with him the day he died, but I still feel guilty for living my life without him. It really messes with one's perception of life when you are sure you are meant to be with someone and suddenly they are gone.
It's important to find peace and this hub was good for you obviously. I recently wrote my story into a hub "Humble Endings". You may like the song, "Here With Me" by Dido on there too- it's similar to ones you posted on here.
This is my first time I am visiting here but now I am very glad after reading this article and this is very useful for me.
Thanks for sharing this information.
I am deeply touched by this. Thanks.
A friend to my wife had a similar experience and clearly has not been able to get over it, about 50 years on.
I am glad you are finding healing.
I am shocked and sad with your story. I remember breaking up with my first love because I didn't know what I was feeling and that felt so right but so wrong at the same time. It took me years to get over this fact so I can't imagine the pain you went through. I can only wish you the best and praise you for being such a great writer.
this hub touched my soul. I had tears as I was reading this great hub. Very special to you as well I am sure. Thanks for sharing . I will read this again I am sure.
OMG in the 150 ++ hubs I have written here, I have yet to feel the truth of the pens healing ability like now, the gratitude of which each of you give me, the tears I share that we all, through death or just time, lost our first loves.
And smile, actually can't stop, as I finally feel validated in knowing I needed to have felt, and continue to feel, exactly what it tis I feel. I have needed that single thing more than any other, that being validation, for a very very long time .
I believe we all do, however, how do I thank you for truly delivering mine, as she smiles with a tear
Bless.
Cheers for sharing my gifts, now immortal.
and Earl, thank you for holding my hand, so soon, to actually help me click publish
RIP but not too far ok?
Hi kimberlyslyrics - I cannot imagine how difficult this must have been for you to write. The strength within you is alone a gift and, as you know, you cannot control these types of freaky events. I hope this hub has brought you closure and I hope you do continue to share and write...A sad story but done with passion and from the heart...there is no substitute for passion...thanks
Beautiful. So sad but nevertheless beautiful.
Very well done
Such a edge of
The seat read~
Hi hun, once again you've managed to flood my eyes with tears! How the hell do you do that!!! Absolutely brilliant hub... really touching.
Although my first love died in a car crash and I've never gotten over it..
Hi hun, once again you've managed to flood my eyes with tears! How the hell do you do that!!! Absolutely brilliant hub... really touching.
Although my first love died in a car crash and I've never gotten over it..
Sad, sad story Kim. I don't know who you live with the memory. I hope you feel better now. CC hugs
This is a vivid account of a moving story. You make me think of my own firsts, how important they are, and how to treasure them. Thank you.
In all honesty, this is the most moving hub I've read in Hubpages. You had me in tears here and I can't leave this page without hugging you Kim..Darren was so lucky to be loved by you and he will smile everyday seeing you smile everyday. Thanks for sharing this beautiful memory. XO
a very powerful Hub, Kimberly
Kimmie, I can only offer you my heart for all you have been through. I'm also glad you were able to get this out.
There will be positive things to come, choose wisely. You will find the real-beautiful Kim that you are.
All my love,
H
..I can see that you're very very popular - and there's good reason - you're the most exciting woman on these old tattered pages of Hub - you give it a zest and a vigor - and a vim - and some bravado - your profile pictures are hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhot - way hot! And oh dear god you have one of my favorite versions of Sweet Jane by the dearly beloved Lou Reed and the Velvets by a Canadian band from Toronto - the Cowboy Junkies - you can do no wrong in my book BUT a comment on one of my poetic paens would suffice!
.....and your writing still tops my list! natually.
*hugs* Kimberly, this is a beautiful piece of tribute for Darren - and, hopefully, a cathartic bit for you to have expressed.
Take care of yourself.
Perhaps you can start taking care of yourself the way that Darren would see fit. Maybe THIS is the way you can balance your heavy loss.
If things had happened the other way around and you could see Darren - would you enjoy his intense, long-lasting guilt - when an accident occurred whose fault rests only and solely with the reckless, negligent driver who struck a pedestrian?
Be well remembering, Kimberly. *hugs* Be kind to yourself.
@DarkDisOrder
You always say the kindest things, thank you much
xo
@siam haider
I have no idea who you are and frankly don't care. I do however know you are a kind person for taking the time to read this and comment
Hope to see you again, much appreciated!
@MrDSpade2
now what a surprise indeed!
love the avatar!
Thank you for coming by with your hidden talent
xo
@ C Girl
Your comments are always not just thoughtful but holds the exact support and advice I need.
CG stands now for my creative gift
xo thanks
@bfloyd79
thank you for your wishes of compassion, clearly coming from someone who has lots.
cheers xo
@katiem2
so true girl, I am beginning to believe it is through loss that we really learn to love
bless my friend and thank you xo
*hugs* Oh girl, and you were punishing yourself your whole life... No, you are NOT guilty, and he loves you, too :)
Kimberly, you never stop to surprise me, your hubs are so good, and it is just another treat every time I read one. You really are an amazing, interesting and special woman. Although, Kimberly, guilt, don’t mess with guilt it is devastating. We learn a lot from everything, loss might be one aspect, but the absolute key to development and opportunities is to open up and open up again. I truly hope you can get it all together, open up and embrace the love that is coming to you.
Love!
I fell in love in the second grade, wrote a note saying I love you and he cried and told the teacher and I had to stay in at recess and humiliated that everyone knew! Even after that when i learned to keep things to myself i always thought we would marry some day. lol And yes, I still think about him.
Polly
I am so very sorry, I only read the start of your story thinking the rest was ads, how cold I must have sounded, I am so sorry, I cannot imagine the horror of living with this and of course you are not to blame but I know in the same place we probably all would have had a hard time living with that. My boyfriend, now husband and I had an accident, he was driving when I was sixteen and him seventeen and they said I wouldn't live through the night, in a coma for awhile but I lived and he still thinks I blame him, but I absolutely do not nor ever did and he was not charged, it was a freak accident that could have lead to a death and I can tell you Darren loved you and he would never blame you. I lived but I went through a long struggle and I never one time blamed my boyfriend and even though I am alive I guess he lets the guilt eat at himself at times and that is just crazy. He loved you and you loved him, that is all you should remember.
I truly do not have the words to express how much I feel as read over and over your comments, you are helping me with that closure, so desperately needed.
I am not going to lie to you, I am not too busy to reply, but the wanker I am between this hub and the following one was too emotional for me at once. I will tell you I feel no obligation to respond and would be very hurt If you thought I felt this.
Just going to take a few days and absorb some 'oh so fun' feelings and smile as I eagerly am finally in a place to respond
I am just so more than thankful, we'll chat soon, wonderful friends
I will also leave this message on my next hub - a wish for my daughter
kiss
A very touching story... words stuck in my throat and tears covered my eyes. Thank you for sharing kimberlyslyrics!
Our first love is always the most deepest because of our youth. Yours was not only deep but tragic, just remember the Lord never burdens us with more than we can handle. Remember your first love and all the good times.
Never forget what you need to remember.
Garrett Bartley
I read that and I cried miserably.. Our first love is always one that we'll never forget.. Thank you for publishing this Kim.. it must of been so hard..
Personally, I find that letting it all out bit by bit slowly takes away a lot of pain.. thank you again..
@ Sally's Trove, Sorry to take so long to reply to your beautiful words of support. They mean a lot, they truly do. Thank you. Peace.
@ Jai Warren, sometimes by not saying anything we're speaking volumes. Thank you.
@ Blake
What can I say. I'm so sorry about Deserae, you know this pain more than most. Take care of yourself. xo
@ Quill, Thank you, I know from this outpouring of support that I'm not alone. God Bless.
@ Saddlerider Your words and your strength are a gift. I know Darren doesn't want me to suffer. I'm trying to let him go, I really am. Peace and hugs back.
@ earnests, thank you for your kind words of encouragement. Although I promise to write something funny from time to time so you don't cry too much :-)
@ Mark/TCL, I believe Darren and I will meet again too. Thank you.
@JaayJaayX, You're right, it is hard to forget, but by sharing this hopefully it will help me move one. Thank you for commenting.
@ CHEMISTRYOFLIFE, your words are too kind. But very appreciated. thank you.
@izzetl, my heart reaches out to you, and you're so right about how a loss like that changes your perception of life for ever. Blesses and hugs.
@ dudumodu, Day by day I'm finding healing. Your kind words and thoughts mean a lot.
@ alexatomas, It's taken me years to just write this, but it's a start and all of this support is helpful and very moving. Thank you.
@rose56, your comment has touched me deeply. I glad you found it moving.
@ mtsi1098 This was harder than I could have imagined to write. But, like you say, hopefully it can bring closure. Thank you.
@ Catalin79 Thank you, thank you so much.
@ Awful Poet
Words from you
Mean a lot to me too
Glad you stopped by
sorry I took so long
to reply
xoxo
@mamelody, I am so sorry you lost your first love too. I'm overwhelmed by all of these comments. I am truly not alone. Thank you.
@ cc, hugs back, thank you for your support my friend. xo
@ Alayne Fenasci, Thank you, for your touching comment.
@ Blaise25, hugs back. I'm doing my best to smile everyday but some days it's harder than others. Thank you so much.
@Greek, you've always been a rock of support. But you're not made of rock, you're made of granite. Or it it marble. so maybe you're a marble of support. Now it just sounds like I'm losing my marbles. :-) xoxo
@ Harvey, I can't say enough how helpful and supportive you've been. It means a great deal to me. Thank you so much. xoxo
@ epigramman, zest and vigor and vim.... and bravado. That's quite the compliment, thank you.
@ Myth *Hugs* back. You're so right. Thank you for everything. xoxo
@ Misha, I know he loves me too, thanks for reminding me of that. xoxo
@ alberich Yes, guilt is devastating. It's only through writing that I'm able to start sorting things out. Thank you for your beautiful comment, it means a lot. Bless you.
@Polly, Thank you for your perspective, it really helps. I'm so sorry you had to go though everything you went through. I hope your husband can let go of the guilt, much like I am trying to let go of mine. Thank you for sharing your experience here.
@mioluna, Thank you so much, your comment is very much appreciated.
@ Garrett, thank you for your words of strength. I will try and focus on the good times. Blessings.
@CiscoPixie, Yes, it was hard to publish. And hard to read and re-read all the wonderful comments like yours. Which was why it's taken so long to comment back. Thank you so very much. Letting it out bit by bit does help with the pain.
Hey kim,
Thanks for the fan mail. Been very long away from hubpages. Sad to say that alot happened, and lost my girlfriend (who happens to be my first).
Alot of it was my own stupidity. Now she's with another guy.
I guess that's what made it difficult to continue writing about relationships. Was glad to hear from you though.
Thanks for connecting back. My life is still good, just resting in heaven's blessings meanwhile and looking forward as always.
Sorry can't seem to find the button for fan mail, so I have to comment like this. Too many changes in hubpages till I forgot how to leave a private message. O well, I think this comment will reach you.
what? no fan mail? huh?
see how that was my priority, ha, babe i'll fix it I need you and you are so amazing. Seriously, would you be me exclusive virtual boyfriend until I am replaced, and hurt as I'll be, I will be beside you every step. You made my day. r2 what a hub you picked eh?
r2 I can't imagine your pain. But If I ever hear you say it was your fault again, I will no hesitate to de fan you and spread really bad rumours about you. dang. but no one ever believes me ha ha
I write a few places and am building a site, similar to this, with a strict policy of entry and private forums. You must come, its by invitation only and this is yours, anyways back to my point
fir what it is worth r2, let's just say I have been in a few relationships. As you read here, not just me but everyone still remembers how important and life changing everyones first is and still 30 years later can feel the loss when it ends, r2 you are not alone friend.
I remember in every area od your life how you loved her, and provably still do, I hope you always will. You ma never be friends with each other, or team up as lovers again, even if you never speak again, it is small in comparison of the value both you wild hold on your memory. That is so sacred, embrace it, and no one can ever take that from either of you.
r2 in love, I have always believed, if it is a non abusive relation, there is no fault, blame is pain misdirected, hate is just loss in disguise an just gazillions of too much attempts trying to fix just anything drives out of non justified doubt.
r2 neither of you need own blame or guilt. Love is still lie;s greatest gift and greatest pain.
That's what I think anyway, for what its worth. Your one of the good ones and so is she.
Now let's hook u[ amd have some fun again, just your avatar has made my day smile
OK fixing button for fanning me and expect to be fanned by tomorrow
missed you r2
your home here buddy
thanks for coming by
Now fan me!
hello?
... don't know what to write. Hub deserves a comment. I cry for the pain. ... it's too much to contemplate. I guess I just wanted to say that you moved me. Lisa
lisa you said more hon, than you will probably EVER realize!
bless
checking your crib out soon
ps- are you any relation to Calvin
ha
see I must tell you now, ask anyone, I am my biggest fan
j/k
its hard is all, I know you get, thanks again.
what a beautiful hub.. must have taken you ages to assemble this. Good job Kim xx
I've always been unlovable my Dear! Bless you Kim!
@ Jasmine, actually it did, and n retrospect was worth it, and I am updating it constantly, what a form of the beginning of closure thanks to all of you , and it is a pleasure meeting you J
K
@ Micky, I am so sorry but your comment really upset me. Speaking so poorly of yourself on a hub remembering a boy who lost his life, and I lost my world at the time. I know something is up, I doubt you would, but please lean on me at anytime, I think a great deal of you. I pray mostly you tell me how I upset you, it really troubles me, I would feel horrible if I never new.
The fact i love you as do many contradict your statement declaring you are unlovable. I hope so much you let Micky love Micky too.
Sorry but I have been so bothered knowing I have upset you, but can only make good if you talk. Otherwise, well, comments I guess? Ugh what happened?
I hope if you ever truly truly need someone to trust, despite what many have to say, you can lean on me and Words, yes this is odd on a writers site, are words. Anyone can write where someone somewhere will be interested and not judgemental. Actions, for all people tell truth.
May Darren be with you til you accept love Micky
Kimberly
The first time I read this very moving Hub I cried ...the second time I read it and felt so moved by your pain ...I hope you have found peace with your happier memories .
@Loveslove,
You most definitely have the perfect name for you kindness and support, you really have made me feel glad I did write this.
Thank you so much for your words, they will be read often, this is true!
Kimberly
I am so pleased I was able to help in some small way...I too have had pain in my life of a different kind,but nevertheless painful ,and i know how it eases it a little bit when someone gives yoy love and support in your grief ....take care X
@Loveslove
will you please marry me?
bless
thank you! xo
Sad and moving. T.T
I hope that having this published is a healing experience for you. :)
Dense, thank you so very much, truly. And it has certainly helped, of course because of the support from people like you.
bless
really appreciate you taking the time, tis a pleasure meeting you
thank you again!
Such a poignant, deep, meaningful reflective hub. I wish you much happiness, and healing, and peace of mind. I believed he loved you very much. He would have wanted you to be free from feeling bad, about this unfortunate accident.
Wow!
You did your best here, Kim...and so glad that writting this Hub helped you to heal that trauma. There is no death, only ceaseless life beyond our mortal material bodie. Love and hugs .
@ artfux
What a beautiful comment and I am really touched by your words. I can't thank you enough
Be Well, truly appreciate this
xo
@Tatjana-Mihaela
Thank you girl, and you know, to my surprise it has indeed kicked off a healing process. Much because of al of you. I love what you said about there really being no death and Darren I feel spoke through you. I'll never forget your words. Thank you so much. Bless
Kymberly :)
This was such a horrific tragedy and such a saddening story of loss. I feel I can relate to you in so many ways, it almost scary. I lost the love of my life when I was 21, he was the best I ever had. Yes, I had thought I had loved before him, but I hadn't known love like his before him. He died so tragically, someone murdered him and of course the police never put the responsible person away. His family treated me horribly and even cremated him just so I couldn't go visit his grave. It was the worst. All I can say to you is I have been there and I know exactly how you feel. I know deep down you keep going over and over in your mind the "what if's" what if you could have changed things? What if you could have stopped it from happening? The problem is that we don't want to accept that this was out of our hands, we are not psychics, we had no idea that would have happened. You are a great person, and I know that he would not want you to be sad. Just like I have to remind myself that my Tony would not want me to be sad and suffering...even though I still do. Its so hard. its like I lost half of me when he died, I am sure you understand. Best wishes.- JJ
Kymberly dear,
Even a sad story as this one can become beautiful because of how well is written and how powerful your feelings were at that moment as well as how tender your memories are now. Great love never dies so celebrating Darran´s memory and his gentale heart is the right thing to do.
Kimberly, I couldn't fight the tears streaming down my face while reading your hub. Darren loved you, and he would not blame you for the accident. It was not your fault. You are a strong person. Writing and speaking about what happened will cause you to heal quicker. Be encouraged. Love and blessings tou you.
Hello Kimberly! Excellent writing!
Thank you for sharing this very personal story.
I too lost my first love, and sometimes I still dream about him, its like the rest of my life never even happened, and I am back in that impossible moment in time when everything was so perfect, so beautiful, so REAL. I sense those emotions within you too.
Our first love imprints us for the rest of our lives, especially if they were lost to us in some tragic way.
Tragedies’ do take us to a new spiritual level. I see you lived a passionate life
Thank you for sharing
Acastlepaloma
I really appreciate your time being here, but I will also say the hardest hub I've written in these 18 month + days, and my most freeing in that closure was gifted in a way from the souls that carry me on this site. Like you.
And yes spiritually I grow through each one of you.
bless you
kimberly
I need to stress this. It is now January 10/2011 much later than when I published this about Darren. I apologize beyond what I can express for my sporadic timing in what are rude timed late responses. It is because there a few hubs I for reasons obvious don't revisit until emotionally can.
Then like today, I see things that you've said and hate myself for not showing what is true and enormous appreciation for your words.
Please find it somewhere to believe that while late, right now these next 4 comments I respond to, maybe brought me to tears, but also bring me to feel less alone.
And how do I thank you for that?
I can't, english language does not possess the words of a real thank you, but I do
Bless you
xo
That was a most terrible tragedy to have to suffer when so young. Also carrying around unneccessary guilt for so long as you have been. l shed buckets for you and for the little girl that was me when at ten years old l lost my mum to lukemia. Some pain never really goes away . We just get better at living with it.
Write, write and write some more. It´s therapeutic and you are brilliant at it.
love you, dear girl,
Dim xxxx hugs xxxx
In a sense, Kimberly, you and Pam (my wife) could be sisters.
For quite some time, she blamed herself for the death of her own kid sister. Both girls were "used and abused" by their father from the cradle till leaving home on the run, but Pam had no clue her sister was in that same boat with her. Little sis offed herself at age 31; my sweetie felt she'd failed to protect her sibling.
We met eleven years later. After we'd been together for a few months, I understood enough to say,
"Honey, you haven't even BEGUN your grieving."
She looked at me and said, "I wouldn't even know where to start."
Fortunately, I did. She began to work on it that same year. With my little bit of help, but of course all the hard work was hers to do. This year, fourteen years after I first brought up the subject, sailed right through her sister's birthday, slick as a breeze. No more all-day sessions with Dreamboat Annie cranked up to hearing-loss volume, singing and crying along with Heart from dawn till well past midnight.
It's good to see you've begun your process.
This is my second read Kim...and it breaks my heart...
I don't know what to say other than each time I read what you write, I just love you more...
I mean to take these horrific moments in time, and turn them into incredible pieces of writing is just beyond me...I'm at once breathless, and so so sorry...sorry beyond reason...because...I really can't put into words how I feel...really....
I love this incredibly sad piece of writing, which, in itself, is an incredible, mind-bending contradiction....So sorry baby...
Thank you bbnix
I believe we all have a story, and as my profile states there will always be someone who needs to read it.
Through our pain we learn to feel joy, through our pain we give compassion to others, through our pain we can help another, through our pain, we can see clarity in love, through our pain we can remember vividly, through our pain we seek comport, through our pain we can share and touch someone, I hope
Otherwise I don't understand such pain
Thank you
Then, of course, I know you understand, through our shared pain, we have each other forever...
maybe my last
:)
hell yes, we'll drink to that...probably cry together a bit too...
bbnix
no tears, sharing good memories, knowing that he just has to be listening, just has to be, just has to be
bbnix
I read through these comments and find gentle closure and amazement at the love here
It was so hard to write
this is for my first
He and my little girl...
My friend has this website where you can talk about your first time. http://lostmyv.com/ In the website, you can post how you lost your virginity. It's pretty neat. Check it out!!
YadiraE,
bless you how kind, thank you very much!
I can't get over the power of this story. I don't even know what to say, but wanted to say something... You are one amazingly gifted writer. I doubt I will ever forget your hub of 1st love and tragic loss. You had me captivated and aching with a portion of that pain throughout. Brilliant work and I'm glad you are now celebrating the time you 2 had together. Thanks so much for sharing. -Brian
Brian,
that meant the world, you have no idea!
Thank you and I don't know what to say either
Maybe we're both just lame
I'm cool with that lol
cheers
kimberly
What a heartbreaking story. My soul aches with pain for you right now. Unfortunately I know what it feels like to lose a man I love, to the powers of death. It's been 6 years and I still grieve.
You stirred up memories of my first love. He was so damn good looking. I was 13 or 14 he was 20. I always fell for older guys. We never had sex, but the build up was more than I needed. His father was the local drug dealer and he got both of us on drugs. Michael moved back to the country to live with his mother and after months of provocative letter writing, we both kinda moved on to others. Strangely, I married his cousin when I was 16, not even knowing that he was his cousin. Michael ended up in a mental institution due to drugs and I just lived a life of hell, due to drugs. I miss him. I was talking about him the other day with my brother and then I see this hub. I want to cry.
Thank you for sharing this very painful, yet beautiful hub.
Love to you
Lisa
Tear-filled eyes, mouth-agape & filled with an aching heart. This was really hard, sad & somehow, very touching. Can say much, but am touched.
All the best!
kimberlyslyrics Hub Author 2 years ago
here is to moments, one thing, we can always keep.